I was freezing the other day. It was 66 degrees.
It’s shameful, I know. Especially while the rest of the country is suffering with snow and cold. But I truly had a chill in my body I couldn’t shake. I was huddled over my laptop with blankets and hot tea while the sun shone brightly outside.
What’s happened to me?
The answer is I’ve gotten soft. I’m a soft desert dweller that gets cold in anything below 70 degrees. The first step is acceptance.
So it’s spring break for the kids. But the term spring break means something different when you live in Arizona. We actually need a break from spring. From sunshine and blooms. It’s like opposite land and we’ll be flying back to old NY. It’ll be great. We’ll have dirty snowball fights, make an igloo that’s 2 parts snow and 4 parts sludge of unknown origins, bitch about the weather by fireside like the rest of y’all, and catch up with family and friends. And then we’ll get back on the plane to purple mountains, orange sunsets and proper circulation.
In the meantime, here’s 5 Things That Are Better in NY:
1. Bagels, bagels, bagels. Why on earth can’t people in the Southwest make a decent bagel? I’m tired of hearing it’s the water. Can water here really be that different? Isn’t water water? Hard water, soft water – it all taste the same, with a chemically-treated-government-approved aftertaste. I’ve gone around town to every bagel shops with my list of criteria:
* People making bagels must be of full, Jewish descent, dating back to the Holy Land.
* They must let me taste their water. Yep, tastes like water and chlorine.
* Show me the oven. It is standard approved? When was the last inspection?
And even when they’ve cleared the test, their bagels still taste like doughy crap.
- Public Transportation. In NY, public transportation will get you anywhere you want to go. Take a bus here and you’ll end up on the 3:10 to Yuma when you were just trying to buy a dozen eggs.
- Neighborhoods. When you live in a place that has hurricanes and winter storms with vicious names like Sandy, you really rely on your neighbors to hear your shouts of existence. We had the best neighbors in NY. We froze together. We complained together. We drank wine from house to house together after a day of chainsawing downed trees. In AZ you’re pretty much on your own. There’s not much to kibitz about. If I shouted for help, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t hear, or if they did, they’d declare it was my God given right to shout and it was their God given right to let me die. Now get off my property before I shoot.
- People. Deep down, people are pretty much the same everywhere you go, I think. But people in NY are more likely to let you know where you stand with them, which is extremely desirable to me. I don’t get bent out of shape by much, but phoniness is problematic. Everyone here asks how your day is going like they’re on automatic pilot. In NY they just don’t give a crap, and that’s much preferable. At worst, I sound boring, as most of the time my day is going just fine, thank you very much. At best, I sound deranged because something like my septic system just exceeded maximum capacity and a deplorable geyser is about to erupt in my backyard because children, that will remain anonymous, refuse to stick to the three square rule on the double ply. Hey, you asked! Don’t ask if you can’t handle the truth! In NY they appreciate it when you keep it real.
- The Power of the Puff. Restaurants are more enjoyable wearing winter clothes. In AZ, I can’t get away with a meal like this:
In NY I can get away with eating ten of these meals times two and pay later. It’s amazing how much you can hide in a puffy jacket.
Happy spring break to you all! I will be gorging myself on bagels, keeping it real, and utilizing public transportation.