Breaking Rules

norules

I believe I have some ‘splaining to do for not posting in a while. What it really comes down to is I break a lot of rules, and not just writing rules, but all kinds of rules, especially airplane rules when they have the fasten seatbelt sign still illuminated after the third round of beverages. I mean, really? We’re not all blessed with elephant bladders. And stop signs aren’t meant for a full completion, that’s why those self-driving cars are getting into accidents. (News Flash: Humans are too unpredictable.) And I refuse to have mattress tags in my house, regardless of jail time.

So, back to the writing rules before this post turns into a full blown rant, cuz I’m always one step away.

I’ve been working more on manuscript #1 after a wonderful, constructive, agent critique. Now I shouldn’t be relying on agents for this, I know. I should be joining a writing group. But I already have a Costco membership, and more plastic in an already fat wallet full of rewards/points/loyalty/discount cards will kill the sciatica. (Damn people, just give me the discount! And stop asking me to fill out a survey for it. You gotta fill out a survey for everything these days. Even breathing. Like all I have time for is sitting at home reviewing my experiences buying bird food and cans of beans like it was a mind-bending event. I’d write a novel about it if it made good literature. But it doesn’t. So keep your 5% off and leave me alone.) (See, I broke my no-ranting rule.) (But if you rant within parenthesis, it doesn’t count.) (I made up that rule.) (Feel free to use it.)

So I broke that have a good writing schedule rule and wrote like a madman. I had all sorts of ideas popping up at random times, which had me flying to my computer, closing the door, hissing at people who are knocking, asking about unimportant things like meals and laundry and how to solve quadratic equations like I wasn’t an English major and didn’t dream about returning to my high school math teacher one day and saying, “See, Mr. P? I told you I’d never use algebra! Muhahaha.” And how can I possibly focus on sock pairing when I’ve left my character dangling on a cliff?

mathjoke

And the problem is, I’m a closet writer. I should really march out and declare equal rights, parading around congress wearing nothing but pages of classics, but the closet is quite comfortable really. Low expectations. Low demands. Very little pity involved. It’s wonderful. Actually it’s a writer’s paradise. Plus, it’s very quiet in there.

Also when you don’t explain your time to anyone, good comedy follows. People think you’re really spacy and flaky and are prone to agoraphobia. Someone can be talking about boring things, while I flesh out plot holes. I do it all the time and miss important stuff, like when I’m next in line.

“Miss, your turn.”

“What? Who? Do you really think that would work? Can I kill him off?”

You see the dilemmas this can cause, not to mention calls to security. And if you looked at my Internet history I look like a real nutcase, like I’m a hypochondriac killer. WedMD is really concerned about me. I think they’ll track me down to research this medical mystery woman. I’m working on a novel now (#2) where I need to know the DUI laws, but too much research has lawyers circling and ads popping up everywhere like I’m some law-breaking louse. I don’t break those rules, man. Come on.

I’ll conclude with an apology for my random, unscheduled, undisciplined, scattered blog postings. I appreciate y’all greatly. Just think of me as a box of chocolates and not that crazy Aunt Tilly who smells like peppermint body spray. And if I’m off the radar, it means I’m deep into novel writing. Or I’ve been accused of a crime I did not commit. In that case, call a lawyer.

1-800-VULTURES

(Leave off the “s” for savings!)

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12 thoughts on “Breaking Rules

  1. Get back in that cupboard and get writing, madam! If socks can’t pair themselves in the 21st century, why then, they simply don’t deserve to be in pairs! The problem is if I imagined you as a box of chocolates, I’d fear for your ongoing existence – unless you were the marzipan one, in which case you’d be perfectly safe. (I think I’ll go and have a parenthetic rant now – sounds like fun!)

  2. *laughs* Aha! That’s what you’ve been up to. Now I’m all interested in your book. But you probably won’t tell me a thing about it. Rats. I hate airplanes! (And their stupid little signs and their stupid little rules!) Love ranting in there. Anyways, I must needs know a bit more about your book, madam!

    1. Isn’t it great to rant? Really clears the air. Just gotta contain it parenthetically. I told you a year ago about my book, Sir. And you don’t remember?! It’s a compilation of all my reviews and surveys over the course of ten years. It will be the go to book for pleasant sales associates and excellent product availability. That’s right. I’m cashing in! (If you would be so kind as to review it and give it 5 stars, I’ll give you 5% off the cover price.)

      1. A year ago? That’s too long! My mind continually flushes out. But I’m excited about it all over again! *laughs* It’s a deal. And no backing out on this one…like you and Walt did with PT News.

    1. You’re not alone, Don. It’s comes with writing I suppose. Hmmm… somedays nuts, somedays creams, someday in between. (I just became unintentionally lyrical.) Never with cherries though. Those are yuk!

  3. Mercy, you too?? If I knew when I was going to pass into the Great Beyond, I’d wipe my Google history super-clean first — before the powers-that-be could learn I’ve been researching all sorts of ways of killing people! And I feel exactly the same about math — where my son got his proficiency for it is beyond me. I’m with you on the writer’s groups, too. I mean, if I had time to sit around and eat bon-bons while critiquing pages of somebody else’s story, I wouldn’t have time to work on my own. Great rant, DD!

    1. I think all writers must be on an FBI watch list. Imagine Stephen King’s Google history?! That’d be something else. What a madman. King Google search: How long can one survive under severe mental and physical abuse from a psychopathic loner fan-girl/woman? And that’s probably one of the tame ones…

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